Wednesday, November 28, 2007

"No Training Wheels for You, Alexander, I've Purchased What Is Essentially a Wooden Scooter!"

The "Wooden Balance Bike," for Scandinavian tykes having a difficult time coping with all of this "growing up" business. Nobody on the playground is going to poke fun at an athletically-disinclined youngster straddling a faux bicycle that goes by the name of "Skuut." Replacement children sold separately.

Give Your Car the Privacy it Deserves!!

$600 is a small price to pay for the comfort your car will have knowing that it can handle its' "business" in private. How would you feel if you had all your hardware exposed? For just $1200 you can be a truly sympathetic owner and ensure that not just the right half, but the whole car has much needed alone time. While this clear, see-through plastic car curtain provides an emotional coverage it must be stated that it offers no protection from physical damages.

Your Marriage is Doomed Anyway

So why not put the final nail in the coffin with a pair of Wireless Headphones? Once you slip these on (along with your crisp hospital pjs), you'll forget all about the significant other laying next to you in your communal twin bed. Get the feel of a deluxe surround-sound system, even in your 8x10 domestic dorm room.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Teach Your Kids How to Grill Like a 13th Century Little Aztec Girl

Be the Man of the Grill with the 2-Piece Chimenea from Sky Mall. Prepare delicious wood-smoked franks while endangering your pets and small children with this exposed fire hole.

Showcase Your Love of Batman and Ability to Read Small, Numberless Clocks at the Same Time

With a low price like $45.99, the only thing you should be asking yourself about the Batman Collapsible Desk Clock is, "why on earth does my desk clock need to be collapsible?"

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Tired of Not Breaking Your Ankle? Skymall Can Help!

For just $30, you are guaranteed a 12 hour trip to the Emergency Room and a multitude of expensive doctors visits.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Aw, Shucks! I am an Athlete!

Confirm to your golfing buddies, in the desert, that you are the ultimate athlete with the $29.99 Trion:Z Bracelet or Necklace. With its proven ability to increase blood flow and reduce stress the only thing you have to worry about is how to keep your skin the same color as your shirt!

Turn Your Car Into a Taxi Cab for Dogs

Your dog has places to go: Morning meetings at Goldman, Power lunches at Michael's, cocktails at Cipriani Downtown, The Disco Biscuits show at Hammerstein, and suit-fittings at John Varvatos. Step on it, cabbie... and keep the change!

The $150 "Swirl Stool"

Sit and swerve on this super seat slash stool slash sculpture. Swively Swirl Stool swells the senses with salivating sentiment. Swirl Stool. Swirl Stool. Swirl stool.

Too Safe To Not Photoshop Onto a Profile Model's Ear

This is the Drive Alert Master, a diminutive way to stay awake in the car on those special highway jaunts when consciousness is priority No. 1. The DAM will sound a piercing beep at the "first sound of drowsiness," which we have to assume constitutes any cranial movement of 2 inches or more. Feel at total ease on your next cross-country venture as your earpiece blasts arbitrary alarm after arbitrary alarm through your head, steadying your nerves and your hand. Shit-eating grin optional.

Make Booger Seats a Problem of the Past!

If they aren't eating them, they are usually wiping them on your fine leather seats. Show your kids who's boss by officially robbing them of their favorite hobby, picking their nose.

Show The Band You REALLY Care

Ensure that you are the coolest "half face" at any concert with this GIANT lighter. That is if you can get it past stadium security. For $29.95 you can put those drunk assholes in the row in front of you in their rightful place.

OMG A Briefcase for Girls!!!!!!!!!

Calling all working women: Isn't it time you got the respect you deserve at work? Power through the corporate glass ceiling and secure a dollar-to-dollar gender wage ratio with The Ladies Laptop Briefcase. No MAN is going to tell THIS future-exec where she can and cannot wheel her briefcase!

Telling Time Has Never Been So Pointlessly Complicated

Do you remember how smart you felt in kindergarten when you learned how to read a clock for the very first time? Search for that vindication all over again with the Color Pattern Clock, the latest step downward in SkyMall's irritating quest to reinvent the way we tell time. At first sight, the device might confuse you, but once you realize the series of colored lights corresponds with the different numbers on a normal clock, you'll understand just how clever this product really isn't. Great for people with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and epileptics who love a challenge.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Your General Lack of Awareness Has Never Been So Stylish

Everyone's been there before: you wake up, look over at your alarm clock and say to yourself, " it's obviously 7:45 a.m., but good god, what day of the week is it?" These days, if you don't have access to a newspaper, television, radio, computer, family member, friend, neighbor, passerby, digital wristwatch or calendar, you'll never know! Enter the Day Clock, the latest addition to SkyMall's arsenal of products for the vacuous consumer.

The product details christen the Day Clock "a great conversation piece." Great conversations may include the following remarks: "are you serious," "wow, you're completely serious," and
"my cousin in solitary confinement would love one of these."

Saturday, November 17, 2007

The Weakest Way to Clean Your Weakest Messes

The Electrolux Pronto 2-in-1 has as much suction power as a hearty human inhalation. Let the Pronto scatter your dust around the room and breakdown at any hairball encounter. And, it's red!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

It's a Missionary Wine

For $59.95 nothing says "I'm Classy!" more than a sexually suggestive wine holder.

Long Live the King

The vibrator with eyes doubles as a microphone so you can sing along with your Robotic Elvis Torso in the privacy of your home. For $300 you have eight songs to chose from, as well as the knowledge that Nicolas Cage is no longer the creepiest Elvis fan ever, You Are!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Bring On The Rain!

Its not just an accessory, it's a Successorie! Your once dreary umbrella is now a vibrant source of inspiration and motivation for just $29.99. A perfect gift for your single depressed neighbor, or that homeless guy who lives on your corner.

There's No Way a Fake Security Camera Could Ever Backfire

Too cheap to install a real security system in your home? You should take the gamble of a lifetime with the Dummy Surveillance Camera, half-hearted subterfuge that renders potential intruders alarmed, then confused, and finally, more determined than ever to gain access to your home. Your family's safety is important: entrust it to SkyMall's aluminum box with a blinking red light.

Because We All Know How Much Cats Love to Go Camping

Don't leave your kitty home alone like some dog, bring it camping with you! The Kitty Kamper is the perfect place for your feline to turn in after a long day of white water rafting, hiking, taking in beautiful scenery, and roasting s'mores with his best buds.

Nobody's Gonna Tell the Dark Messiah How to Shave in the Shower. Nobody.

When you don't have the time to shower in front of a mirror/multimedia onslaught, take those no-good double-crossing whiskers into the shower, turn the water off, and scrape away. Scrape every last motherfucking pore until it bleeds, until it's pure. Yeah, now we're cooking. COOKING IN HELL!!!

Now only $29.99--just because everyone else is going to pay doesn't mean you have to!

"Did I Die and Go to Heaven?" Maybe!!

The perfect punch bowl for your next party in the ether.

Scarecrows are for Pussies

Nothing says stay off my lawn like Big Foot. Standing proud at over 2 feet this lawn yeti is sure to keep all those pesky intruders at bay, and perhaps even get your garden published in National Enquirer!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

If You Bathe in Black Stockings, You'll Love the Towel Warmer Pro

Live Out of Your Car With Dignity

You are broke, have no home, and probably little self respect. Looking for a pick me up? Look no further! Just because you cant organize your life doesn't mean you cant organize where you live. You can probably afford this $50 wonder system, since you're not paying rent.

Organize Your Supplies and Play Jeopardy... At the Same Time!

Sky Mall Jeopardy Bins make cleaning-out your garage as fun as watching your favorite game show! "I'll take Organized Shelving for $400, Alex."

Struggling To Relocate Bulky Furniture? Let the Forearm Forklift Straps Violate the Laws of Physics for You

Using patented "it just works, okay?" technology, the Forearm Forklift Strap turns a strenuous chore into a lark. Spare your back and leave your hands free to fondle your armoire in a socially acceptable manner for only $18.99. I can smell the liability from here, ladies.

Mr. Douchebag: Private Eye!

Tired of your job? Well you can become a bona fide private eye within minutes by purchasing this Semi Opaque Window Cover. Added benefits include, but are not limited to, alienating your neighbors with this ice pattern vinyl sheet. It's sure to let them know they should mind their own business, you've got serious investigating to do!!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Finally, a Blanket with Sleeves

People will look at you on the couch with your Slanket and say, "God, that guy is so not the largest pussy I've ever seen."

Growing Up is Tough!

Looking for outfits for your next creepy orgy? Look no further.
Trying to kill the mood with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Here's your answer.
Tired of being the only cheerleading team without matching PJ's? Jackpot.

These Jumpin Jammerz footed pajamas will solve all your life's problems for just 75 dollars.

Bring the Thrill of the High Seas into your Living Room with The Golden Retriever Lobster-Trap

Why waste time and money trapping lobsters on the cold Maine seas when you can trap Golden Retrievers in the comfort of your own home? The Golden Retriever Lobster-Trap is fun for everyone, especially for all the Golden Retrievers in your neighborhood. All you have to do is lure them away from their families with whistles and treats, pull the EZ Grip safety latch, and dinner's practically on the table. Pass the vinegar and butter!

Confront Your Inner Psychopath with the Tri-Fold Wireless Mirror

You are a handsome, successful, clever and very, very powerful man. Don't EVER let anyone tell you differently. You are a handsome, successful, clever and very, very powerful man. Don't EVER let anyone tell you differently.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

"What?!! Ha ha ha, no....I'm just taking a relaxing nap!"

The "Relax N Nap" pillow ranges in price from $19.95 to $69.95, depending on many strange things.

In 100 Years, You'll Look Stupid for NOT Wearing One

Meet the Mobile Massage System, the No.1 mobile massage system in Skymall magazine. Whether your walking your dog in the park or taking a swim in the pool, the MMS is there to provide crucial spinal relief 24-7. Four out of 17 superheroes recommend it.

Step2Store Mailbox Holds Up To Five Years Worth of Bills

Sit back and relax-- the bills are taken care of! For now, at least. Step2Store mailbox piles up five years worth of mail in its sleek brick-like base, while you kick back and spend quality time with your family and friends. Why check mail every day when you can do it just twice a decade.

Leave Your Dog Home Alone for 6 Months, Guilt-Free!

Why send your dog to a pricey dog kennel when you can feed him automatically for up to six months for just $179 (plus tax)?! Your pooch will happily munch down his breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day at pre-scheduled times, while you vacation...guilt free!

Warning: Kibble Dispenser may clog after first feeding

"Giddy-Up" Your Way To A Better Va....Core

For just the low price of $519 you can be the proud owner of this dual motor "core strengthener." You can proudly display this fine piece of machinery in any room in your house, knowing that anyone who happens to see it will in no way change their perception of you. Find that you have the added comfort of knowing that mounting this colossal piece of awkwardness for just 45 minutes a day will provide substantial improvement to your body, and mind. The trotting and galloping action helps strengthen your spine and pelvic muscles, and stimulates seldom-used core muscles, in the dorsal and abdominal regions.
Seldom-used until your "partner" gets a sight of your new "horse power"
Exercising has never been this easy...(since you stopped having sex)!