Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Hilarious Hillary's Shittin' Walnuts! How Timely.

What is this novelty gift trying to say?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Wait ...Your Snowshovel Doesn't Have a Wheel On It? Weird.

Skymall admits that "at first glance, the Wovel might appear to the layperson to be a novel-looking device counterintuitive to effective snow removal." This may seem fairly derrogatory, especially when one considers that a) snowshoveling is about the most "lay" activity imaginable and b) it's called a "Wovel," but the magazine of the skies has your best interest in mind. Or should I say "back interest" --

"the Wovel is an elegant and efficient design based on two of the oldest and most commonplace scientific principles ever put into use: the wheel and the lever...Now, with virtually no effort, you can throw snow without twisting or lifting. Designed to greatly reduce physical strain and the risks of back and heart injuries associated with shoveling."

The choice is obvious. Why throw away money on a snowblower when you can could enjoy the same level of ease with a more traditional wheeled shovel that only costs $114.95?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Skymall Fitness Competition: Who's Your Favorite Fitness Femme Fatale?

Babe #1: Karen If looks could kill, they would be the seventh or eighth way that Karen could kill you--watch out fellas, this girl is ripped! With Leg Magic , toned legs, chisled abs, and a linebacker's jaw are just a workout away.

Babe #2: Erica No, she's not stoned out of her gourd, Erica's just getting her stretch on with the StretchRite, the most colorful way to loosen up your joints and muscles with an arbitrary length of fabric. We're not leaving until that knee pit touches the hardwood, sweetpea!

Babe #3: Madeline Everyone's looking for the touch of another, even a sexy little number like Madeline. But until that day comes, she's gonna be into touching herself...with the TheraCane Massager, of course. The embrace of corrogated metal never satisfied more!

Babe #4 Agatha
Quiet afternoons stranded helplessly in bed are a thing of the past for this geriatric love goddess with the Smart-Rail Bed Rail, the enabler of the elderly with the clever name! The pulling motion required to rise from a single bed in a dorm-style environment is just the kind of exercise women like Agatha need to keep hips and thighs curvy and men badly bruised. Please stop looking at us like that, Agatha!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

NO WAY Those Sunglasses Are Attached to Your Hat!!!

There's just no way. They look like one of the many popular brands of luxury eyewear I've seen celebrities and athletes wearing in the tabloid magazines. I think I saw a pair of specs just like that for sale at my favorite kiosk in the mall; as I recall, they were very expensive. A man of your means could never afford sunglasses like that.....

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, you sexy trickster! Where on earth did you find those things?! Very impressive. Compliance is going to love them.

Welcome to Dorktown, Fucking Dorks.

Inappropriate for anyone not living at these exact coordinates.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Just Another Day at the Office

"Your upper body is what makes you beautiful and appear to be fit or not."

If you don't want to be the only non-beautiful person in the office then the Spring Flex UB is the product for you. Just toss off your work clothes, jump into your favorite titey-whiteys and throw your keyboard and other desk accessories out the window. You're on your way to the new beautiful you, judged solely on your upper body. 

No Need to Turn Around, Oblivious Female Commuter, the Video Screen's Doing it For You!

The woman pushing the stroller appears to be screaming.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Ensure the Worst Tan Lines of Your Life

People never have to know you are wearing "fit over" sunglasses, with Skymall's new Vistana Overx Sunglasses ...unless of course your db husband takes his off and leaves them on his face!

Taking the Lap Pool Up A Notch

Celebrate Darwinism in a recreational swimming environment with Skymall's Evolution Fins.

Cheaper than Sending Your Cars to Summer Camp.

Another Gem from the "Pretentious Illiterate" Collection

For only $250 potentially lead all your guests to believe that you stocked up on furniture at a library yard sale. When people go to check for old cards recording past checkouts they will instead find your extensive media collection. You can place it right next to your showcase of fake books.