"I'm­­-a rippin the hair outta my face like an old pizza pie-ya"

Channel your own terrible Italian impressions with the R.e.m. Spring Hair Remover. It's like using a bedspring to mow your upper lip, but significantly more expensive.

Even the Chair Itself Looks Lazy and Slightly Short of Breath

"Loaded with a huge list of proprietary capabilities and features, the Sogno DreamWave will transport you to a place of total relaxation with more body coverage than any other massage chair in the market."

Have You Ever Seen Shame in a Dog's Eye? Yea, Neither Have I.

Skymall.com describes this Toilet Dog & Cat Water Bowl as a "hilarious conversation starter." I imagine the hilarious conversation would go something like this:

[doorbell rings]

"Hi, I'm looking for Michael Donson?"
"That's what my mom calls me but my friends all call me crazy!"
"Sir you owe over $50,000 in credit card debt and we need to repossess your car."

How Bout You Go Take A Long StreetStride On A Short Pier

The StreetStrider Summit 8r costs $2,000. Being the most hated person on the sidewalk ain't cheap!

401(K)? More like 401(No Way!)

Secure your savings future and get the piece of mind only a box of crackers can provide.

There Was an Earthquake in Haiti

2010: Cloud Computing Technology. Global Broadband Interface. Cell Phone Watch.

The Cell Phone Watch costs $300.

Finally, the Toilet Privacy I've Been Waiting For!

Oh, it's not a toilet? Welp, in that case, I think someone just pooped in your Personal Infrared Sauna.

Merry Christmas!!

Tattoo reindeer lights!! = You are the laziest Holiday decorator ever. Plus anyone worth their weight in gold, frankincense and Mir, knows that Santa has 8 reindeer, not 18!