Monday, December 1, 2008

"Intentional" Unisex Bamboo T-Shirts Come in Three Sizes...

One Thumb Up!
Two Thumbs Up!!!!

Someone stole my necklace and my thumbs! Hi!

These t-shirts are supposed to channel positive energy into your body from the heartfelt expressions written on the inside of the t-shirts. SkyMall researchers have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that inspiring language on the inside of unisex t-shirts can make a powerful difference in your life. Researchers have yet to prove why anyone should drop $40.00 on one of Skymall's t-shirts instead of writing the same words and phrases on t-shirts they already own.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So This Is Where Your Narcissism Has Led You

 a sad, gullible place where you search frantically hither and yon for the answer to humanity's most repulsive scourge -- aging.

Sure, now you're waking up with a cup of coffee and 20 LED lights radiating meaninglessly across your face. But it's not going to last, lady. Time makes ogres of us all. First you'll lose your lucrative gig at the beauty corporation. Then you'll fall behind on the payments for the Light Therapy System. Before you know it you're a hasbeen, watching Duckman reruns on USA and basking in the second-rate glow of pilfered alarm clocks and laser pointers while you wait on a phone call from a beauty agent that will never come. So enjoy your wall of fancy lights while you can, Miss. Moments like these are but embers in a waning fire.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Day Sweat Alarm Sold Separately

There was a time when mankind didn't care about its nocturnal secretions, but with most of the world's social and economic problems firmly under control, we can bring the night sweat issue to the forefront of our simple, clamy minds, where it belongs.

Make no mistake, this alarm will in no way cure you of those repulsive night sweats. But it will sound a gentle alert that can rouse even the deepest sleeper from his sweaty slumber in the wee hours of the morning, leaving enough time to soil two bedsets a night instead of one. Just another brilliant product sprung from the collective loins of SkyMall and the Giant Biosensor company, which is a functional corporate entity and definintely not a gigantic, self-aware biosensor.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Stay the Hell Away From My Corn, Pervert

In what appears to be an extremely confusing attempt to stave off any backlash from Kernel Rights groups, Skymall markets the "Butter Boy" as an effective way to "Protect your hands from hot, buttery ears of corn," but everyone knows which limbless, neckerchiefed joy boy unhinged his jaws, introduced a slender finger into his rectum and slathered butter up and down every girthy cob in the tri-park picnic area to begin with. If there was ever a reason to devote 100% of our nation's corn output to alternative fuels, this fruitcake is it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Hilarious Hillary's Shittin' Walnuts! How Timely.

What is this novelty gift trying to say?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Wait ...Your Snowshovel Doesn't Have a Wheel On It? Weird.

Skymall admits that "at first glance, the Wovel might appear to the layperson to be a novel-looking device counterintuitive to effective snow removal." This may seem fairly derrogatory, especially when one considers that a) snowshoveling is about the most "lay" activity imaginable and b) it's called a "Wovel," but the magazine of the skies has your best interest in mind. Or should I say "back interest" --

"the Wovel is an elegant and efficient design based on two of the oldest and most commonplace scientific principles ever put into use: the wheel and the lever...Now, with virtually no effort, you can throw snow without twisting or lifting. Designed to greatly reduce physical strain and the risks of back and heart injuries associated with shoveling."

The choice is obvious. Why throw away money on a snowblower when you can could enjoy the same level of ease with a more traditional wheeled shovel that only costs $114.95?

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Skymall Fitness Competition: Who's Your Favorite Fitness Femme Fatale?

Babe #1: Karen If looks could kill, they would be the seventh or eighth way that Karen could kill you--watch out fellas, this girl is ripped! With Leg Magic , toned legs, chisled abs, and a linebacker's jaw are just a workout away.

Babe #2: Erica No, she's not stoned out of her gourd, Erica's just getting her stretch on with the StretchRite, the most colorful way to loosen up your joints and muscles with an arbitrary length of fabric. We're not leaving until that knee pit touches the hardwood, sweetpea!

Babe #3: Madeline Everyone's looking for the touch of another, even a sexy little number like Madeline. But until that day comes, she's gonna be into touching herself...with the TheraCane Massager, of course. The embrace of corrogated metal never satisfied more!

Babe #4 Agatha
Quiet afternoons stranded helplessly in bed are a thing of the past for this geriatric love goddess with the Smart-Rail Bed Rail, the enabler of the elderly with the clever name! The pulling motion required to rise from a single bed in a dorm-style environment is just the kind of exercise women like Agatha need to keep hips and thighs curvy and men badly bruised. Please stop looking at us like that, Agatha!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

NO WAY Those Sunglasses Are Attached to Your Hat!!!

There's just no way. They look like one of the many popular brands of luxury eyewear I've seen celebrities and athletes wearing in the tabloid magazines. I think I saw a pair of specs just like that for sale at my favorite kiosk in the mall; as I recall, they were very expensive. A man of your means could never afford sunglasses like that.....

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, you sexy trickster! Where on earth did you find those things?! Very impressive. Compliance is going to love them.

Welcome to Dorktown, Fucking Dorks.

Inappropriate for anyone not living at these exact coordinates.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Just Another Day at the Office

"Your upper body is what makes you beautiful and appear to be fit or not."

If you don't want to be the only non-beautiful person in the office then the Spring Flex UB is the product for you. Just toss off your work clothes, jump into your favorite titey-whiteys and throw your keyboard and other desk accessories out the window. You're on your way to the new beautiful you, judged solely on your upper body. 

No Need to Turn Around, Oblivious Female Commuter, the Video Screen's Doing it For You!

The woman pushing the stroller appears to be screaming.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Ensure the Worst Tan Lines of Your Life

People never have to know you are wearing "fit over" sunglasses, with Skymall's new Vistana Overx Sunglasses ...unless of course your db husband takes his off and leaves them on his face!

Taking the Lap Pool Up A Notch

Celebrate Darwinism in a recreational swimming environment with Skymall's Evolution Fins.

Cheaper than Sending Your Cars to Summer Camp.

Another Gem from the "Pretentious Illiterate" Collection

For only $250 potentially lead all your guests to believe that you stocked up on furniture at a library yard sale. When people go to check for old cards recording past checkouts they will instead find your extensive media collection. You can place it right next to your showcase of fake books.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Comb Your Hair and Give Yourself Brain Surgery at the Same Time

Forget expensive medical bills and embarassing hospital gowns! Comb away invasive neurological disorders with the Hairmax Laser Comb!

Make Tough Love an Approach of the Past

With this flexible screen your child never has to learn the hard way again that doors are meant to be opened before walking through.

Sick and Tired of Your Furniture?

Well with this "ghost vent" Skymall takes care of that problem for you.

Running for Sport or Running for Your Life? No One Will Be Able to Tell When You Do It in Sandals

Peel your SunChip-encrusted lips from that Sherlock, dirty fucking hippies, a struggling American retail industry is pandering to your crunchy asses! Flee from freaky-deeky creditors in style and comfort -- Skymall's Bite Xtension Performance Running Sandals offer ambiguous technologies like the "Enerflow Outsole System" and "sculpted phylon highwall midsole." They aren't just "The world's coolest running sandal," they are the world's only running sandal.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Do Not Attempt this if you own a Mini Cooper

This product also doubles as a full body sling. The only thing more fun then setting it up, is getting out of it. Also their license plate says Hamanaka. I think Sky Mall is trying to tell us its a Man Hammock.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Who Needs an Ipod...

...when all your music can be stored in a convenient 76'' triple-column monstrosity? From the product description: "holds 2262 CDs, 936 DVDs, 528 VHS tapes or 456 Disney tapes."

Regardless, I Will Not Read Your Novel.

What do Hemingway, Dickens, Roth, and Nabokov have in common? They all got the shit beaten out of them for wearing this awful sweatshirt.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Please Leave All "Carry On" Items by the Pool

Ever think your parties need a little bit more of an airport look? With this portable iPod PA system you can make sure your party looks like everyone's work week for only $300. Also apparently this product is also being marketed to men who croon into microphones 8 inches from their female guests...

The Magical Glare Resistance Device Sold Seperately

P.S This family needs to put King Kong on hold and do a couple of laps around the backyard.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Nothing Displays Your Love of Books More...Than Buying Fake Books

These books belong in the home of the "pretentious illiterate."

Hide Your Hearing Problem by Looking like A Total Douche

If you are embarrassed of wearing a hearing aid just buy this Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. For $40 next time you are having a conversation, at a dinner party, at your kids recital, or pretty much any public place, the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier will ensure that no one will ever know you have a hearing problem because they will be too busy thinking you are a total douchebag who should take his/her bluetooth off.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Just Because It's Frozen Doesn't Mean I Still Can't Step In It

Dear Skymall,
Please stop stealing product ideas from shitty Jack Black movies from the 90's.