Monday, December 1, 2008
One Thumb Up!
Someone stole my necklace and my thumbs! Hi!
These t-shirts are supposed to channel positive energy into your body from the heartfelt expressions written on the inside of the t-shirts. SkyMall researchers have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that inspiring language on the inside of unisex t-shirts can make a powerful difference in your life. Researchers have yet to prove why anyone should drop $40.00 on one of Skymall's t-shirts instead of writing the same words and phrases on t-shirts they already own.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
...to a sad, gullible place where you search frantically hither and yon for the answer to humanity's most repulsive scourge -- aging.
Sure, now you're waking up with a cup of coffee and 20 LED lights radiating meaninglessly across your face. But it's not going to last, lady. Time makes ogres of us all. First you'll lose your lucrative gig at the beauty corporation. Then you'll fall behind on the payments for the Light Therapy System. Before you know it you're a hasbeen, watching Duckman reruns on USA and basking in the second-rate glow of pilfered alarm clocks and laser pointers while you wait on a phone call from a beauty agent that will never come. So enjoy your wall of fancy lights while you can, Miss. Moments like these are but embers in a waning fire.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Skymall's Michael Jordan Figurine Was Clearly Designed By Someone Unfamiliar With the Concept of Basketball
Seven inches of "what the fuck is Michael Jordan doing?" available now for only $14.99.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
There was a time when mankind didn't care about its nocturnal secretions, but with most of the world's social and economic problems firmly under control, we can bring the night sweat issue to the forefront of our simple, clamy minds, where it belongs.
Make no mistake, this alarm will in no way cure you of those repulsive night sweats. But it will sound a gentle alert that can rouse even the deepest sleeper from his sweaty slumber in the wee hours of the morning, leaving enough time to soil two bedsets a night instead of one. Just another brilliant product sprung from the collective loins of SkyMall and the Giant Biosensor company, which is a functional corporate entity and definintely not a gigantic, self-aware biosensor.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Why spend $400 on glasses or contacts when you can get a glorified magnifying glass that hooks up to the television!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
In what appears to be an extremely confusing attempt to stave off any backlash from Kernel Rights groups, Skymall markets the "Butter Boy" as an effective way to "Protect your hands from hot, buttery ears of corn," but everyone knows which limbless, neckerchiefed joy boy unhinged his jaws, introduced a slender finger into his rectum and slathered butter up and down every girthy cob in the tri-park picnic area to begin with. If there was ever a reason to devote 100% of our nation's corn output to alternative fuels, this fruitcake is it.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Skymall admits that "at first glance, the Wovel might appear to the layperson to be a novel-looking device counterintuitive to effective snow removal." This may seem fairly derrogatory, especially when one considers that a) snowshoveling is about the most "lay" activity imaginable and b) it's called a "Wovel," but the magazine of the skies has your best interest in mind. Or should I say "back interest" --
"the Wovel is an elegant and efficient design based on two of the oldest and most commonplace scientific principles ever put into use: the wheel and the lever...Now, with virtually no effort, you can throw snow without twisting or lifting. Designed to greatly reduce physical strain and the risks of back and heart injuries associated with shoveling."
The choice is obvious. Why throw away money on a snowblower when you can could enjoy the same level of ease with a more traditional wheeled shovel that only costs $114.95?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Babe #1: Karen If looks could kill, they would be the seventh or eighth way that Karen could kill you--watch out fellas, this girl is ripped! With Leg Magic , toned legs, chisled abs, and a linebacker's jaw are just a workout away.
Babe #2: Erica No, she's not stoned out of her gourd, Erica's just getting her stretch on with the StretchRite, the most colorful way to loosen up your joints and muscles with an arbitrary length of fabric. We're not leaving until that knee pit touches the hardwood, sweetpea!
Babe #3: Madeline Everyone's looking for the touch of another, even a sexy little number like Madeline. But until that day comes, she's gonna be into touching herself...with the TheraCane Massager, of course. The embrace of corrogated metal never satisfied more!
Babe #4 Agatha Quiet afternoons stranded helplessly in bed are a thing of the past for this geriatric love goddess with the Smart-Rail Bed Rail, the enabler of the elderly with the clever name! The pulling motion required to rise from a single bed in a dorm-style environment is just the kind of exercise women like Agatha need to keep hips and thighs curvy and men badly bruised. Please stop looking at us like that, Agatha!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
There's just no way. They look like one of the many popular brands of luxury eyewear I've seen celebrities and athletes wearing in the tabloid magazines. I think I saw a pair of specs just like that for sale at my favorite kiosk in the mall; as I recall, they were very expensive. A man of your means could never afford sunglasses like that.....
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, you sexy trickster! Where on earth did you find those things?! Very impressive. Compliance is going to love them.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
"Your upper body is what makes you beautiful and appear to be fit or not."
If you don't want to be the only non-beautiful person in the office then the Spring Flex UB is the product for you. Just toss off your work clothes, jump into your favorite titey-whiteys and throw your keyboard and other desk accessories out the window. You're on your way to the new beautiful you, judged solely on your upper body.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Clean your own chimney in 64 simple steps!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
For only $250 potentially lead all your guests to believe that you stocked up on furniture at a library yard sale. When people go to check for old cards recording past checkouts they will instead find your extensive media collection. You can place it right next to your showcase of fake books.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Forget expensive medical bills and embarassing hospital gowns! Comb away invasive neurological disorders with the Hairmax Laser Comb!
Peel your SunChip-encrusted lips from that Sherlock, dirty fucking hippies, a struggling American retail industry is pandering to your crunchy asses! Flee from freaky-deeky creditors in style and comfort -- Skymall's Bite Xtension Performance Running Sandals offer ambiguous technologies like the "Enerflow Outsole System" and "sculpted phylon highwall midsole." They aren't just "The world's coolest running sandal," they are the world's only running sandal.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
This product also doubles as a full body sling. The only thing more fun then setting it up, is getting out of it. Also their license plate says Hamanaka. I think Sky Mall is trying to tell us its a Man Hammock.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
"Just zip the IRISPen across the page and see all the text and numbers instantly retyped into your computer. No more manual entry needed! Now, you can just scan it!"
It takes more than an IrisPen 6 and a computer monitor to get through law school, Bangs.
"Some Chair Came Into the Office the Other Day and Interviewed for the Marketing Coordinator Position..."
Dress your chair for success with The Chair Valet.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Ever think your parties need a little bit more of an airport look? With this portable iPod PA system you can make sure your party looks like everyone's work week for only $300. Also apparently this product is also being marketed to men who croon into microphones 8 inches from their female guests...
Monday, February 18, 2008
If you are embarrassed of wearing a hearing aid just buy this Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. For $40 next time you are having a conversation, at a dinner party, at your kids recital, or pretty much any public place, the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier will ensure that no one will ever know you have a hearing problem because they will be too busy thinking you are a total douchebag who should take his/her bluetooth off.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Please stop stealing product ideas from shitty Jack Black movies from the 90's.
Please stop stealing product ideas from shitty Jack Black movies from the 90's.