Hey What Could Possibly Be In That Big Coke Bottle Thing?

Oh.

I'd Pay 30 Invisible Dollars For This!

The DaVinci Code Invisible Writer ($29) "allows you to write secrets in an invisible ink that can only be read by using the special light from the pen." Here's a secret, as revealed in this simulation of how I believe this pen to work. [Cue dramatic Vatican Pope-drum music] T..O...M...HA...N.....KS...H...A...T..E..S...Y...O..U 

Soon-To-Be-Mugged Traveler is Needy in 30 Different Langauges

Comment dis tu "whiny little bitch" en Français?

BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, I HAVE THE POWER

...to take my tap water on-the-go!

Agent Dark Messiah 2, Freeze! Its 8:05!

Next time someone asks you for the time, insult their vision in style. Why just answer the question, when you can show off your money clip/clock in all its gaudy glory. For just $50 become every pickpocket's wet dream, and confirm that you probably do deserve to have your identity stolen.

Too Safe To Not Photoshop Onto a Profile Model's Ear

This is the Drive Alert Master, a diminutive way to stay awake in the car on those special highway jaunts when consciousness is priority No. 1. The DAM will sound a piercing beep at the "first sound of drowsiness," which we have to assume constitutes any cranial movement of 2 inches or more. Feel at total ease on your next cross-country venture as your earpiece blasts arbitrary alarm after arbitrary alarm through your head, steadying your nerves and your hand. Shit-eating grin optional.

Show The Band You REALLY Care

Ensure that you are the coolest "half face" at any concert with this GIANT lighter. That is if you can get it past stadium security. For $29.95 you can put those drunk assholes in the row in front of you in their rightful place.

OMG A Briefcase for Girls!!!!!!!!!

Calling all working women: Isn't it time you got the respect you deserve at work? Power through the corporate glass ceiling and secure a dollar-to-dollar gender wage ratio with The Ladies Laptop Briefcase. No MAN is going to tell THIS future-exec where she can and cannot wheel her briefcase!

Telling Time Has Never Been So Pointlessly Complicated

Do you remember how smart you felt in kindergarten when you learned how to read a clock for the very first time? Search for that vindication all over again with the Color Pattern Clock, the latest step downward in SkyMall's irritating quest to reinvent the way we tell time. At first sight, the device might confuse you, but once you realize the series of colored lights corresponds with the different numbers on a normal clock, you'll understand just how clever this product really isn't. Great for people with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and epileptics who love a challenge.

The Weakest Way to Clean Your Weakest Messes

The Electrolux Pronto 2-in-1 has as much suction power as a hearty human inhalation. Let the Pronto scatter your dust around the room and breakdown at any hairball encounter. And, it's red!

There's No Way a Fake Security Camera Could Ever Backfire

Too cheap to install a real security system in your home? You should take the gamble of a lifetime with the Dummy Surveillance Camera, half-hearted subterfuge that renders potential intruders alarmed, then confused, and finally, more determined than ever to gain access to your home. Your family's safety is important: entrust it to SkyMall's aluminum box with a blinking red light.

Because We All Know How Much Cats Love to Go Camping

Don't leave your kitty home alone like some dog, bring it camping with you! The Kitty Kamper is the perfect place for your feline to turn in after a long day of white water rafting, hiking, taking in beautiful scenery, and roasting s'mores with his best buds.

"Did I Die and Go to Heaven?" Maybe!!

The perfect punch bowl for your next party in the ether.