There's One Way, And One Way Only, To Enjoy a Pool Float

(Legs up.)

(Head tilted.)

(Chin on hand.)

(Get out.)

World's Finest Pool Floats

I'd Pay 30 Invisible Dollars For This!

The DaVinci Code Invisible Writer ($29) "allows you to write secrets in an invisible ink that can only be read by using the special light from the pen." Here's a secret, as revealed in this simulation of how I believe this pen to work. [Cue dramatic Vatican Pope-drum music] T..O...M...HA...N.....KS...H...A...T..E..S...Y...O..U 

When It is Done and Gotham is in Ashes, You Have My Permission to ENJOY THE SLOPES!

Just because you grew up in an underground prison cruelly taunted by the faint light of the sun, doesn't mean you don't like to glide through that perfect powder like a dark angel. With the Subzero Warm Breath Mask, you'll never have to worry about chapped lips, a chilly nose or being without a constant stream of your life-sustaining super soldier serum.

Sleep Tight, Little Girl. One Day You'll Grow Up To Do Exceptional Things!

Whether you're young or old, you are not welcome in my home with that thing.

Man Perishes in World's Slowest Luge Accident

$169.95

Shadow Puppets Make Reading More Not-Hard

The iPad Adjustable Floor Stand provides an efficient and comfortable way to chronicle Dr. Froggy-Woggy's big adventure at the super market.

If Your Pillow Is Within Reasonable Proportions Of Your Actual Head Size, Who The Heck Are YOU?

(Anyone else feeling the heat between Angry Sleeper #1 and Dead Sleeper #2? Caliente!)

Lanyards and Wine? Skymall's Yuppiest Product Is Also Its Stupidest

Parties are fabulous, but those ridiculous glasses you have to carry around everywhere? So offensive. Let the lower class hold things. Strap that beverage to your chest and maximize your hands' potential at any social function.

Your Pet May Be Dead, But Its Dedication to the Support of Your Neck Lives On

Keep your pet's spirit alive--and under your head--with the Warm Whiskers Neckwrap!

Because Your Addictions Are Supposed to Cripple Your Soul, Not Your Travel Arrangements

Turn your drug problem into a drug solution with the Travel Medicine Kit, the perfect way to cram several narcotics, prescriptions, and injectables into one diminutive case without sacrificing the space you need for bulkier compulsions.

Good for Your Heart, Bad for Your Ego

"Punk kids...they'll only laugh harder if you stop and sink. Keep pumping, old man. Pump as hard as you possibly can. You didn't spend $500.00 to be the butt of your kids' jokes for the next 25 years."

Adam Teslik, contributor.

A Dedication to the Loneliest People in SkyMall Magazine