Good for Your Heart, Bad for Your Ego

"Punk kids...they'll only laugh harder if you stop and sink. Keep pumping, old man. Pump as hard as you possibly can. You didn't spend $500.00 to be the butt of your kids' jokes for the next 25 years."

Adam Teslik, contributor.

Too Safe To Not Photoshop Onto a Profile Model's Ear

This is the Drive Alert Master, a diminutive way to stay awake in the car on those special highway jaunts when consciousness is priority No. 1. The DAM will sound a piercing beep at the "first sound of drowsiness," which we have to assume constitutes any cranial movement of 2 inches or more. Feel at total ease on your next cross-country venture as your earpiece blasts arbitrary alarm after arbitrary alarm through your head, steadying your nerves and your hand. Shit-eating grin optional.