Merry Christmas!!

Tattoo reindeer lights!! = You are the laziest Holiday decorator ever. Plus anyone worth their weight in gold, frankincense and Mir, knows that Santa has 8 reindeer, not 18!

Your Head Deserves a Bedpan Too

Whats the point of washing your hair in the shower when you can have someone else wash it for you in the living room for $250? It also doubles as magical underwater virtual reality system. Unfortunately though, you cannot buy this product if you have a face, it's just for people with necks and hair.

Catch Skymall Live at The Comedy Store Next Saturday Night ($10 at the door, 2 Drink Minimum)

Your Pet May Be Dead, But Its Dedication to the Support of Your Neck Lives On

Keep your pet's spirit alive--and under your head--with the Warm Whiskers Neckwrap!

All of Your Friends Will Say, "What Happens When You Press the Button with the Car on It?"

People Need to Feel More Comfortable Washing Their Electronics

Hey fudgy fingers, sick of surfing the web with a sticky, crumb-muddled mouse? Go ahead and wash it! Or try washing your hands! And your face. There's powdy sugar all over it. Dick.

Because Your Addictions Are Supposed to Cripple Your Soul, Not Your Travel Arrangements

Turn your drug problem into a drug solution with the Travel Medicine Kit, the perfect way to cram several narcotics, prescriptions, and injectables into one diminutive case without sacrificing the space you need for bulkier compulsions.

Engage Your Dog In a Game of Hide and Seek

I spy with my little skymall eye: Animal Cruelty. For $450 you can hide all evidence of your "best friend," by forcing them to live in an inconspicuous piece of furniture.

"Dude, Your Deer Totally Pooped In My Pool!!!!"

"Dude, You Totally Pooped in My Portable Humidor!!!!"

It's Not Spying If They Can See You

Avoid those pesky "peeping tom" charges by effectively never sneaking up on anyone. For only $60 you can hear and see up to 300 feet away. You also avoid alienating your prey by ensuring they see you right back!

That's the Last Time I'm Inviting Cissy Over for Italian Night

Thank God I had my SkyMall Chair Protectors!

"...And this is where Magellan pillaged and participated in unmentionable acts aboard the Concepcion during his ruthless quest for spices!"

Tell it to your kids straight. Don't just teach them basic geography, fill their over-sized overalls with history and political consequences with the World's Largest Write-On Map. Pretty soon they'll be old enough to reach the Former Yugoslavia!

Happy Holidays Indeed... Skymall Cures Herpes

Goodbye Valtrex, and weeks of crying "It's just a zit, I swear." Hello Dermaseptic.
This miracle product will cure all your social woes and only set you back $100. For those of you without a raging case of herpes, it also clears up cold sores and fever blisters.

Black Magic At Its Finest

Spice up your next holiday meal with everyone screaming WITCH at you when you present your guests with the 16 pound turkey you cooked entirely in your Nuwave Oven. For $140 you can establish yourself as the cook who gave everyone cancer because you were too lazy to use a real oven.

The Half-Assed Ejector Seat

Giggle with delight as you watch your mortal enemy slip slowly and uncomfortably off his or her seat.

Spice Up Your Cubicle With a Little Sex...tant

Measure the angle of elevation of a celestial object above the horizon from the privacy of your desk for only $140! Bonus feature, you can also sight the sun at noon to find your latitude. Goodbye boring work days! This gorgeous, metallic lifestyle piece is complemented by the two mermen hoisting it up, and the knowledge that you will own the most confusing desk ornament in the office.

Good for Your Heart, Bad for Your Ego

"Punk kids...they'll only laugh harder if you stop and sink. Keep pumping, old man. Pump as hard as you possibly can. You didn't spend $500.00 to be the butt of your kids' jokes for the next 25 years."

Adam Teslik, contributor.

The Second-Coming of Christ, Courtesy of Your Dog's Collar

Sinners beware! With one purchase of the Safety LED Lighted Collar, the Messiah will return to his bodily form and damn those who renounce his name. All hail thee Jesus Christ and the lobster-trapped canine that brought him forth!

WHERE 'RE MY BEST GUUURRRRLLLLSSS AT??????

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Laaaaddddiiiieeeessss!! Being a girl can be tough sometimes, but don't let it get you down! With this pillow on your bed as a constant reminder of your potential, you are sure to take over the world in no time!! With your briefcase by your side, you truly are a remarkable example of all females.

To top it all off, why not complete your bed set with this "Succulent Wild Woman" throw??!


The Succulent Wild Woman Throw reads:
"Being a Succulent Wild Woman. Be delicious. Eat mangos naked, lick the juice off your arms. Discover your own goodness. Smile when you feel like it. Be rare, eccentric and original. Describe yourself as marvelous. Paint your soul. Investigate your dark places with a flashlight. Make more mistakes. Tell the truth faster. Celebrate your gorgeous friendships with women. You are enough, you have enough, you do enough."

Nothing Beats Bathing In the Great Outdoors

Next time you are in the forest taking a bath, with no water, why not make it extra relaxing with the $40 massage and sound pillow. Thats right, it massages your neck, and plays tranquil relaxing music to drown out all the natural sounds coming from nature.

What Kind of Statement Are You Making with Your SkyMall Watch Winder?

Somehow, my watch is being wound--do not touch.


























I plan on inserting my watch into an unmentionable region after it is sufficiently wound.





























Please help me.

As If Watching Your Kids Play Sports Wasn't Already Bad Enough...

For the low, low price of $26.85 you can make watching already excruciatingly boring games, even worse! Sick and tired of standing, or sitting on full sized bleachers? Skymall can help! It has a handy dandy handle. So the the only thing you have to worry about is aggravating back pain, and lowered self confidence by witnessing 60% of your ass and thighs droop over the edge.

Agent Dark Messiah 2, Freeze! Its 8:05!

Next time someone asks you for the time, insult their vision in style. Why just answer the question, when you can show off your money clip/clock in all its gaudy glory. For just $50 become every pickpocket's wet dream, and confirm that you probably do deserve to have your identity stolen.

It's Just Not Swimming if You Don't Appear To Be Fighting for Your Life

It's a tale as old as time: you have a private body of sanitized, temperate water at your disposal, but there's not a lap pool in sight. Ever try swimming laps in a normal pool? All of those turns! The sense of accomplishment! Revolting. Friends and relatives will hate your spacious pool.

Drown your fears and frustrations with the "Pool Tether," the more expensive alternative to a piece of synthetic rope or random cable. Skymall helps those who can't help themselves.

Practice Drowning With Comfort and Ease

For $120 you can practice terrifying friends and relatives. It's the perfect tool for a well thought out/sick April Fools joke or a delightful accessory for your daily "cement" nap.

A Dedication to the Loneliest People in SkyMall Magazine

You Mailed That Insurance Check, Right?

"No Training Wheels for You, Alexander, I've Purchased What Is Essentially a Wooden Scooter!"

The "Wooden Balance Bike," for Scandinavian tykes having a difficult time coping with all of this "growing up" business. Nobody on the playground is going to poke fun at an athletically-disinclined youngster straddling a faux bicycle that goes by the name of "Skuut." Replacement children sold separately.

Give Your Car the Privacy it Deserves!!

$600 is a small price to pay for the comfort your car will have knowing that it can handle its' "business" in private. How would you feel if you had all your hardware exposed? For just $1200 you can be a truly sympathetic owner and ensure that not just the right half, but the whole car has much needed alone time. While this clear, see-through plastic car curtain provides an emotional coverage it must be stated that it offers no protection from physical damages.

Your Marriage is Doomed Anyway

So why not put the final nail in the coffin with a pair of Wireless Headphones? Once you slip these on (along with your crisp hospital pjs), you'll forget all about the significant other laying next to you in your communal twin bed. Get the feel of a deluxe surround-sound system, even in your 8x10 domestic dorm room.

Teach Your Kids How to Grill Like a 13th Century Little Aztec Girl

Be the Man of the Grill with the 2-Piece Chimenea from Sky Mall. Prepare delicious wood-smoked franks while endangering your pets and small children with this exposed fire hole.

Showcase Your Love of Batman and Ability to Read Small, Numberless Clocks at the Same Time

With a low price like $45.99, the only thing you should be asking yourself about the Batman Collapsible Desk Clock is, "why on earth does my desk clock need to be collapsible?"

Tired of Not Breaking Your Ankle? Skymall Can Help!

For just $30, you are guaranteed a 12 hour trip to the Emergency Room and a multitude of expensive doctors visits.

Aw, Shucks! I am an Athlete!

Confirm to your golfing buddies, in the desert, that you are the ultimate athlete with the $29.99 Trion:Z Bracelet or Necklace. With its proven ability to increase blood flow and reduce stress the only thing you have to worry about is how to keep your skin the same color as your shirt!

Turn Your Car Into a Taxi Cab for Dogs

Your dog has places to go: Morning meetings at Goldman, Power lunches at Michael's, cocktails at Cipriani Downtown, The Disco Biscuits show at Hammerstein, and suit-fittings at John Varvatos. Step on it, cabbie... and keep the change!

The $150 "Swirl Stool"

Sit and swerve on this super seat slash stool slash sculpture. Swively Swirl Stool swells the senses with salivating sentiment. Swirl Stool. Swirl Stool. Swirl stool.

Too Safe To Not Photoshop Onto a Profile Model's Ear

This is the Drive Alert Master, a diminutive way to stay awake in the car on those special highway jaunts when consciousness is priority No. 1. The DAM will sound a piercing beep at the "first sound of drowsiness," which we have to assume constitutes any cranial movement of 2 inches or more. Feel at total ease on your next cross-country venture as your earpiece blasts arbitrary alarm after arbitrary alarm through your head, steadying your nerves and your hand. Shit-eating grin optional.

Make Booger Seats a Problem of the Past!

If they aren't eating them, they are usually wiping them on your fine leather seats. Show your kids who's boss by officially robbing them of their favorite hobby, picking their nose.

Show The Band You REALLY Care

Ensure that you are the coolest "half face" at any concert with this GIANT lighter. That is if you can get it past stadium security. For $29.95 you can put those drunk assholes in the row in front of you in their rightful place.

OMG A Briefcase for Girls!!!!!!!!!

Calling all working women: Isn't it time you got the respect you deserve at work? Power through the corporate glass ceiling and secure a dollar-to-dollar gender wage ratio with The Ladies Laptop Briefcase. No MAN is going to tell THIS future-exec where she can and cannot wheel her briefcase!