Skymall's Michael Jordan Figurine Was Clearly Designed By Someone Unfamiliar With the Concept of Basketball

Seven inches of "what the fuck is Michael Jordan doing?" available now for only $14.99.

Day Sweat Alarm Sold Separately

There was a time when mankind didn't care about its nocturnal secretions, but with most of the world's social and economic problems firmly under control, we can bring the night sweat issue to the forefront of our simple, clamy minds, where it belongs.

Make no mistake, this alarm will in no way cure you of those repulsive night sweats. But it will sound a gentle alert that can rouse even the deepest sleeper from his sweaty slumber in the wee hours of the morning, leaving enough time to soil two bedsets a night instead of one. Just another brilliant product sprung from the collective loins of SkyMall and the Giant Biosensor company, which is a functional corporate entity and definintely not a gigantic, self-aware biosensor.

New Skymall Doggie Bed Takes the Hassle Out of Gauging Your Pet's Junk Temperature

Oh, Great! Another Piece of Furniture Inspired by the Movie "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka."

Pimp.

Eh, I'm Already Bored.

The Truth Has Never Been So Clear: SkyMall Just Ripped You Off So Fucking Bad

Why spend $400 on glasses or contacts when you can get a glorified magnifying glass that hooks up to the television!

Step Up to the Levitating Plate in the Name of Effective Spice Control

Animanamals (tm) Say What They Almost Are!

"And I think it's gonna be a long long time..."

Stay the Hell Away From My Corn, Pervert

In what appears to be an extremely confusing attempt to stave off any backlash from Kernel Rights groups, Skymall markets the "Butter Boy" as an effective way to "Protect your hands from hot, buttery ears of corn," but everyone knows which limbless, neckerchiefed joy boy unhinged his jaws, introduced a slender finger into his rectum and slathered butter up and down every girthy cob in the tri-park picnic area to begin with. If there was ever a reason to devote 100% of our nation's corn output to alternative fuels, this fruitcake is it.

Hilarious Hillary's Shittin' Walnuts! How Timely.

What is this novelty gift trying to say?

Wait ...Your Snowshovel Doesn't Have a Wheel On It? Weird.

Skymall admits that "at first glance, the Wovel might appear to the layperson to be a novel-looking device counterintuitive to effective snow removal." This may seem fairly derrogatory, especially when one considers that a) snowshoveling is about the most "lay" activity imaginable and b) it's called a "Wovel," but the magazine of the skies has your best interest in mind. Or should I say "back interest" --

"the Wovel is an elegant and efficient design based on two of the oldest and most commonplace scientific principles ever put into use: the wheel and the lever...Now, with virtually no effort, you can throw snow without twisting or lifting. Designed to greatly reduce physical strain and the risks of back and heart injuries associated with shoveling."

The choice is obvious. Why throw away money on a snowblower when you can could enjoy the same level of ease with a more traditional wheeled shovel that only costs $114.95?

Skymall Fitness Competition: Who's Your Favorite Fitness Femme Fatale?

Babe #1: Karen If looks could kill, they would be the seventh or eighth way that Karen could kill you--watch out fellas, this girl is ripped! With Leg Magic , toned legs, chisled abs, and a linebacker's jaw are just a workout away.

Babe #2: Erica No, she's not stoned out of her gourd, Erica's just getting her stretch on with the StretchRite, the most colorful way to loosen up your joints and muscles with an arbitrary length of fabric. We're not leaving until that knee pit touches the hardwood, sweetpea!

Babe #3: Madeline Everyone's looking for the touch of another, even a sexy little number like Madeline. But until that day comes, she's gonna be into touching herself...with the TheraCane Massager, of course. The embrace of corrogated metal never satisfied more!

Babe #4 Agatha Quiet afternoons stranded helplessly in bed are a thing of the past for this geriatric love goddess with the Smart-Rail Bed Rail, the enabler of the elderly with the clever name! The pulling motion required to rise from a single bed in a dorm-style environment is just the kind of exercise women like Agatha need to keep hips and thighs curvy and men badly bruised. Please stop looking at us like that, Agatha!

NO WAY Those Sunglasses Are Attached to Your Hat!!!

There's just no way. They look like one of the many popular brands of luxury eyewear I've seen celebrities and athletes wearing in the tabloid magazines. I think I saw a pair of specs just like that for sale at my favorite kiosk in the mall; as I recall, they were very expensive. A man of your means could never afford sunglasses like that.....

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, you sexy trickster! Where on earth did you find those things?! Very impressive. Compliance is going to love them.