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Misunderstood Flatware Thanks Portly Guests for Licking the Plate Clean

A Friendly Way to Ward off Solicitors

There's Always Wine in This Frenchman's Pants!

That Shade Looks Real Good ... IN HELL

Well well, somebody got themselves an adorable new mirror to freshen up with. Heading out tonight, sweetheart? Looking for a little trouble? Oh, you'll find trouble all right. Couple of more touchups in that mirror and you'll be unstoppable. Set'em up and knock'em down, baby. KNOCK'EM ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HELL!

Looks Are Gonna Kill Today, Hairless Vixen ... KILL IN HELL

Oh yeah, baby's looking good today. Pretty girl. Pretty, pretty girl. You know what they say -- pretty girls always get the pretty boys. And pretty boys always have such pretty, delectible souls. Just a couple of more dabs on my sniffer and baby's stepping out for a little lunch... in HELL!!!

Creepy Pillow Really Enjoys Sitting With You on the Couch, Isn't Afraid to Talk About It.

Step Aside, "Milliliters" -- This Measuring Cup's Got Real-World Conversions People Can Understand.

Skymall asked people like you what they thought about the state of relative measurement in our country today. The response was overwhelming.

"Fuck 'cups' and 'tablespoons,'" you said. "Give us 'cumulus clouds the size of a bus' and 'body cells that die on a good day.'"

You're welcome, America.

New Ultraviolet Toiletlight Takes the Gamble Out of Night-Pooping

Lights for toilet paper, flusher and sink sold seperately.

Now THAT's Recycling!

You've been hand-sorting your recyclables like a chump for too long. Time to step up your game. Reasonably priced at $300.00, the All-in-One Recycling Center is the must-have product for any recession.

"Intentional" Unisex Bamboo T-Shirts Come in Three Sizes...

One Thumb Up!

Two Thumbs Up!!!!

Someone stole my necklace and my thumbs! Hi!

These t-shirts are supposed to channel positive energy into your body from the heartfelt expressions written on the inside of the t-shirts. SkyMall researchers have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that inspiring language on the inside of unisex t-shirts can make a powerful difference in your life. Researchers have yet to prove why anyone should drop $40.00 on one of Skymall's t-shirts instead of writing the same words and phrases on t-shirts they already own.

So This Is Where Your Narcissism Has Led You

...to a sad, gullible place where you search frantically hither and yon for the answer to humanity's most repulsive scourge -- aging.

Sure, now you're waking up with a cup of coffee and 20 LED lights radiating meaninglessly across your face. But it's not going to last, lady. Time makes ogres of us all. First you'll lose your lucrative gig at the beauty corporation. Then you'll fall behind on the payments for the Light Therapy System. Before you know it you're a hasbeen, watching Duckman reruns on USA and basking in the second-rate glow of pilfered alarm clocks and laser pointers while you wait on a phone call from a beauty agent that will never come. So enjoy your wall of fancy lights while you can, Miss. Moments like these are but embers in a waning fire.

You Know What Would Be Even Cooler? A Bag for the Bag Your Bag's In.

"No, that's not the Space Needle, It's Fucking Dallas! We WORK IN DALLAS."