So This Is Where Your Narcissism Has Led You

...to a sad, gullible place where you search frantically hither and yon for the answer to humanity's most repulsive scourge -- aging.

Sure, now you're waking up with a cup of coffee and 20 LED lights radiating meaninglessly across your face. But it's not going to last, lady. Time makes ogres of us all. First you'll lose your lucrative gig at the beauty corporation. Then you'll fall behind on the payments for the Light Therapy System. Before you know it you're a hasbeen, watching Duckman reruns on USA and basking in the second-rate glow of pilfered alarm clocks and laser pointers while you wait on a phone call from a beauty agent that will never come. So enjoy your wall of fancy lights while you can, Miss. Moments like these are but embers in a waning fire.

You Know What Would Be Even Cooler? A Bag for the Bag Your Bag's In.

"No, that's not the Space Needle, It's Fucking Dallas! We WORK IN DALLAS."

Skymall's Michael Jordan Figurine Was Clearly Designed By Someone Unfamiliar With the Concept of Basketball

Seven inches of "what the fuck is Michael Jordan doing?" available now for only $14.99.

Day Sweat Alarm Sold Separately

There was a time when mankind didn't care about its nocturnal secretions, but with most of the world's social and economic problems firmly under control, we can bring the night sweat issue to the forefront of our simple, clamy minds, where it belongs.

Make no mistake, this alarm will in no way cure you of those repulsive night sweats. But it will sound a gentle alert that can rouse even the deepest sleeper from his sweaty slumber in the wee hours of the morning, leaving enough time to soil two bedsets a night instead of one. Just another brilliant product sprung from the collective loins of SkyMall and the Giant Biosensor company, which is a functional corporate entity and definintely not a gigantic, self-aware biosensor.

New Skymall Doggie Bed Takes the Hassle Out of Gauging Your Pet's Junk Temperature