Telling Time Has Never Been So Pointlessly Complicated

Do you remember how smart you felt in kindergarten when you learned how to read a clock for the very first time? Search for that vindication all over again with the Color Pattern Clock, the latest step downward in SkyMall's irritating quest to reinvent the way we tell time. At first sight, the device might confuse you, but once you realize the series of colored lights corresponds with the different numbers on a normal clock, you'll understand just how clever this product really isn't. Great for people with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and epileptics who love a challenge.

Your General Lack of Awareness Has Never Been So Stylish

Everyone's been there before: you wake up, look over at your alarm clock and say to yourself, " it's obviously 7:45 a.m., but good god, what day of the week is it?" These days, if you don't have access to a newspaper, television, radio, computer, family member, friend, neighbor, passerby, digital wristwatch or calendar, you'll never know! Enter the Day Clock, the latest addition to SkyMall's arsenal of products for the vacuous consumer.

The product details christen the Day Clock "a great conversation piece." Great conversations may include the following remarks: "are you serious," "wow, you're completely serious," and
"my cousin in solitary confinement would love one of these."

The Weakest Way to Clean Your Weakest Messes

The Electrolux Pronto 2-in-1 has as much suction power as a hearty human inhalation. Let the Pronto scatter your dust around the room and breakdown at any hairball encounter. And, it's red!

It's a Missionary Wine

For $59.95 nothing says "I'm Classy!" more than a sexually suggestive wine holder.

Long Live the King

The vibrator with eyes doubles as a microphone so you can sing along with your Robotic Elvis Torso in the privacy of your home. For $300 you have eight songs to chose from, as well as the knowledge that Nicolas Cage is no longer the creepiest Elvis fan ever, You Are!

Bring On The Rain!

Its not just an accessory, it's a Successorie! Your once dreary umbrella is now a vibrant source of inspiration and motivation for just $29.99. A perfect gift for your single depressed neighbor, or that homeless guy who lives on your corner.

There's No Way a Fake Security Camera Could Ever Backfire

Too cheap to install a real security system in your home? You should take the gamble of a lifetime with the Dummy Surveillance Camera, half-hearted subterfuge that renders potential intruders alarmed, then confused, and finally, more determined than ever to gain access to your home. Your family's safety is important: entrust it to SkyMall's aluminum box with a blinking red light.

Because We All Know How Much Cats Love to Go Camping

Don't leave your kitty home alone like some dog, bring it camping with you! The Kitty Kamper is the perfect place for your feline to turn in after a long day of white water rafting, hiking, taking in beautiful scenery, and roasting s'mores with his best buds.

Nobody's Gonna Tell the Dark Messiah How to Shave in the Shower. Nobody.

When you don't have the time to shower in front of a mirror/multimedia onslaught, take those no-good double-crossing whiskers into the shower, turn the water off, and scrape away. Scrape every last motherfucking pore until it bleeds, until it's pure. Yeah, now we're cooking. COOKING IN HELL!!!

Now only $29.99--just because everyone else is going to pay doesn't mean you have to!

"Did I Die and Go to Heaven?" Maybe!!

The perfect punch bowl for your next party in the ether.

Scarecrows are for Pussies

Nothing says stay off my lawn like Big Foot. Standing proud at over 2 feet this lawn yeti is sure to keep all those pesky intruders at bay, and perhaps even get your garden published in National Enquirer!

If You Bathe in Black Stockings, You'll Love the Towel Warmer Pro

Live Out of Your Car With Dignity

You are broke, have no home, and probably little self respect. Looking for a pick me up? Look no further! Just because you cant organize your life doesn't mean you cant organize where you live. You can probably afford this $50 wonder system, since you're not paying rent.

Organize Your Supplies and Play Jeopardy... At the Same Time!

Sky Mall Jeopardy Bins make cleaning-out your garage as fun as watching your favorite game show! "I'll take Organized Shelving for $400, Alex."