401(K)? More like 401(No Way!)

Secure your savings future and get the piece of mind only a box of crackers can provide.

Muscle Milk is for Pussies

Pull one of these bad boys out of your gym bag after blasting those delts.

Latest SkyMall Creation is Half Man, Half Piece of F*cking Shit

 

...and allllllll crap. 

Let's See if this Little Sweetheart Can Swim!

This is called the Bountiful Apron Sculpture and I have absolutely no desire at all to punch it in the face.

Spice Up Your Kitchen with the Flavor of the Islands! And by "Islands" I Mean "Doctor's Office!"

Wall Mounted Magazine Rack, hang it next to the apples, pears and throat swabs.

With the Shake of Thy Wand I Turn Thee Veggies into Cheetos

Oh, that's not how the Nano-UV Wand works?

How's the Weather Up There, China and India? Mathy?

The Find X Tee is as unfunny as it is terrifying.

Smother Yourself in Warmth

The latest from SkyMall's Needy Textiles collection.

Cutting is Over!

Pack up your knives and throw away your razors, tweens! Self-mutilate for the new millennium and burn the skin right off your body! Relieve the pain your mother just doesn't understand with the Infrared LED Pain Reliever. It's a cry for help...to the third degree!

Women Can Read Too!

Deluxe Prism Glasses fit nicely with SkyMall's "Women Stuggling with Words" line of visionwear.

Perfect for a Blustery Day off the Pacific Northwest Coast

Send a message in a bottle man to his watery grave with the Nuclear Globe!

Holy Pepperoni! Nice Bald Death Stare Small Ear Karate Pants. I Mean, Nice Abs!

The Ab Radical Abdominal Optimizer will get you thinking about everything but abs!

This'll Teach My Chin Not to Poop on the Good Carpet

FaceTrainer is "the only fitness device that applies the proven principals of resistance training to facial muscles." Also, it's made by a company called No!No!. The marketers behind this should Know!Know! better.

This Woman Has No Idea How to Use a Tampon

"The Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar replenishes, renews and rejuvenates you down to the cell. Headset delivers oxygen for easy concentrated inhalation." Barf.