So This Is Where Your Narcissism Has Led You

...to a sad, gullible place where you search frantically hither and yon for the answer to humanity's most repulsive scourge -- aging.

Sure, now you're waking up with a cup of coffee and 20 LED lights radiating meaninglessly across your face. But it's not going to last, lady. Time makes ogres of us all. First you'll lose your lucrative gig at the beauty corporation. Then you'll fall behind on the payments for the Light Therapy System. Before you know it you're a hasbeen, watching Duckman reruns on USA and basking in the second-rate glow of pilfered alarm clocks and laser pointers while you wait on a phone call from a beauty agent that will never come. So enjoy your wall of fancy lights while you can, Miss. Moments like these are but embers in a waning fire.

You Know What Would Be Even Cooler? A Bag for the Bag Your Bag's In.

"No, that's not the Space Needle, It's Fucking Dallas! We WORK IN DALLAS."

Skymall's Michael Jordan Figurine Was Clearly Designed By Someone Unfamiliar With the Concept of Basketball

Seven inches of "what the fuck is Michael Jordan doing?" available now for only $14.99.

Day Sweat Alarm Sold Separately

There was a time when mankind didn't care about its nocturnal secretions, but with most of the world's social and economic problems firmly under control, we can bring the night sweat issue to the forefront of our simple, clamy minds, where it belongs.

Make no mistake, this alarm will in no way cure you of those repulsive night sweats. But it will sound a gentle alert that can rouse even the deepest sleeper from his sweaty slumber in the wee hours of the morning, leaving enough time to soil two bedsets a night instead of one. Just another brilliant product sprung from the collective loins of SkyMall and the Giant Biosensor company, which is a functional corporate entity and definintely not a gigantic, self-aware biosensor.

New Skymall Doggie Bed Takes the Hassle Out of Gauging Your Pet's Junk Temperature

Oh, Great! Another Piece of Furniture Inspired by the Movie "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka."

Pimp.

Eh, I'm Already Bored.

The Truth Has Never Been So Clear: SkyMall Just Ripped You Off So Fucking Bad

Why spend $400 on glasses or contacts when you can get a glorified magnifying glass that hooks up to the television!

Step Up to the Levitating Plate in the Name of Effective Spice Control

Animanamals (tm) Say What They Almost Are!

"And I think it's gonna be a long long time..."

Stay the Hell Away From My Corn, Pervert

In what appears to be an extremely confusing attempt to stave off any backlash from Kernel Rights groups, Skymall markets the "Butter Boy" as an effective way to "Protect your hands from hot, buttery ears of corn," but everyone knows which limbless, neckerchiefed joy boy unhinged his jaws, introduced a slender finger into his rectum and slathered butter up and down every girthy cob in the tri-park picnic area to begin with. If there was ever a reason to devote 100% of our nation's corn output to alternative fuels, this fruitcake is it.

Hilarious Hillary's Shittin' Walnuts! How Timely.

What is this novelty gift trying to say?