Comb Your Hair and Give Yourself Brain Surgery at the Same Time

Forget expensive medical bills and embarassing hospital gowns! Comb away invasive neurological disorders with the Hairmax Laser Comb!

Make Tough Love an Approach of the Past

With this flexible screen your child never has to learn the hard way again that doors are meant to be opened before walking through.

Sick and Tired of Your Furniture?

Well with this "ghost vent" Skymall takes care of that problem for you.

Running for Sport or Running for Your Life? No One Will Be Able to Tell When You Do It in Sandals

Peel your SunChip-encrusted lips from that Sherlock, dirty fucking hippies, a struggling American retail industry is pandering to your crunchy asses! Flee from freaky-deeky creditors in style and comfort -- Skymall's Bite Xtension Performance Running Sandals offer ambiguous technologies like the "Enerflow Outsole System" and "sculpted phylon highwall midsole." They aren't just "The world's coolest running sandal," they are the world's only running sandal.

Do Not Attempt this if you own a Mini Cooper

This product also doubles as a full body sling. The only thing more fun then setting it up, is getting out of it. Also their license plate says Hamanaka. I think Sky Mall is trying to tell us its a Man Hammock.

Who Needs an Ipod...

...when all your music can be stored in a convenient 76'' triple-column monstrosity? From the product description: "holds 2262 CDs, 936 DVDs, 528 VHS tapes or 456 Disney tapes."

Regardless, I Will Not Read Your Novel.

What do Hemingway, Dickens, Roth, and Nabokov have in common? They all got the shit beaten out of them for wearing this awful sweatshirt.

Yeah. Fucking. Right.

"Just zip the IRISPen across the page and see all the text and numbers instantly retyped into your computer. No more manual entry needed! Now, you can just scan it!"

It takes more than an IrisPen 6 and a computer monitor to get through law school, Bangs.

"Some Chair Came Into the Office the Other Day and Interviewed for the Marketing Coordinator Position..."

Dress your chair for success with The Chair Valet.

Please Leave All "Carry On" Items by the Pool

Ever think your parties need a little bit more of an airport look? With this portable iPod PA system you can make sure your party looks like everyone's work week for only $300. Also apparently this product is also being marketed to men who croon into microphones 8 inches from their female guests...

The Magical Glare Resistance Device Sold Seperately

P.S This family needs to put King Kong on hold and do a couple of laps around the backyard.

Nothing Displays Your Love of Books More...Than Buying Fake Books

These books belong in the home of the "pretentious illiterate."

Hide Your Hearing Problem by Looking like A Total Douche

If you are embarrassed of wearing a hearing aid just buy this Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. For $40 next time you are having a conversation, at a dinner party, at your kids recital, or pretty much any public place, the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier will ensure that no one will ever know you have a hearing problem because they will be too busy thinking you are a total douchebag who should take his/her bluetooth off.

Just Because It's Frozen Doesn't Mean I Still Can't Step In It

Dear Skymall,
Please stop stealing product ideas from shitty Jack Black movies from the 90's.
Best,
Cissy